Saudade

A bittersweet melancholic yearning for something beautiful that is now gone.

Childhood.

Although shaken, full of self-doubt and anxiety it is something that I will always miss.

I was creative. I made stories come to life and I ran with them down the hill like they were the only friends that understood me. I sang, I danced and I walked sticks as if they were dogs.

I was (somewhat) happy.

Adulthood. 

I no longer enjoy things.

I don’t read, I don’t play and I don’t laugh as much as I used to. Maybe not being able to do any of these things is a sign that I’m scared of growing up.

There are 5 months of education left before I’m thrown into the pits of adulthood. My whole life, I’ll have to climb a ladder to chase this thing called ‘success’ which in hand-sight will lead me to a place I may not even want.

Scared and worried of disappointing my family I feed this idea of ‘everything happens for a reason’ to calm the doubts in my head.

My hands are cramping as I type this, I’ve erased and rewritten it many times but to reel it back to the beginning… I miss my childhood.

It’s Saudade. 

A bittersweet melancholic yearning for something beautiful that is now gone.

I miss my innocence. I miss my child-like wander. I miss my curiosity.

I miss me. 

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