I know how it feels, once you feel like things are getting too out of hand, you cannot control the direction where things are going, it’s like we panic and we search for an escape, because being alone it’s something we can control, we can control our feelings and how we talk, how we think and all that. But we cannot control other people’s thoughts, feelings or anything else, and it’s scary and threatening maybe.
In reality, I don’t think we need a relationship in life, people are so clouded over having someone love them, or want them sexually but they don’t focus on living life by loving themselves and living life however they want it to be, without any barriers from another person, without any worries. People need to realise that you were born alone, and you’ll die alone.
And nobody can tell you it’s your fault or anything, if you don’t want a relationship then you won’t have one. You probably already know this because you’re an advocate like me I’d say, and maybe we need to hear it from someone that means a lot to us even if we repeat those words to others every day. You’re not being punished, nobody can punish you for not being able to develop feelings that seem to have a mind of their own. Not even God can say, nobody will love you because you’re naturally not able to love AT THE MOMENT. A partner is something trivial in life, don’t let anyone tell you “oh, once you hit thirty nobody will want you” because frankly my dear, it’s bullshit.
We as humans are all composed of the same thing, we’re masochists, hypocrites, lovers, and every other emotion there is, it just takes one single event in ones life to mould you into something else. When we find people like us, we feel safe, at home, because you see yourself in them and you’re what you’ve known since you were born. It’s your comfort zone, you know they won’t hurt you or give you an erroneous reaction, but we’re afraid of change, we’re afraid of what’s unknown to us, we get scared when we meet someone that offers something you’ve never been interested in, we step back because we don’t know how to deal with them, we don’t know how they think because we’re used to our own mind, and our friends mind but you know, change is good. And we change and evolve everyday, when you make a decision you didn’t take the day before, or when you were sitting down and decided to stand up, that’s change as little as it may seem.
You’re in the brink of adulthood, you’re 16-25 now and it’s the where things tend to get wobbly (or like me, earlier) I’m kind of thankful you’re feeling this now instead of carrying it for years. It’s okay to be scared, it’s okay to be anxious, if the prospect of something doesn’t scare you then it’s not worth it. I might not know much about anything but I like to say I know a little about everything, therefore I think that you’re just like any other human being in this world. We’re all afraid of something and we’re all insecure about something, we all want things we can get and we don’t appreciate the little bits of heaven we have on a day to day basis. Trust me, you might feel like you’re just existing, like you’re just a tiny speck of light in this vast universe, but it’s not that way. That feeling is very familiar to me and I know it sucks. But I’ve learned that everything we go through has a riddle effect, like dominos falling one after another. You being in someone’s life and helping them cope with things, that’s not existing, that’s helping them live a life.
It might not mean a lot to you, or you might not notice the extend of your company in the world, but it’s palpable. Yes you’re young, but so am I and I won’t tell you “you’re young you don’t know anything about life”, I also won’t tell you “you’re going, you’re supposed to be living this way and going out and drinking yourself to death” because nobody will dictate anything in your life and nothing is morally incorrect unless you say so. I wish you would stop comparing your life to others, we all live it differently, and in the end beautifully. You’re extra in your own way, and that doesn’t deter you or anything, it doesn’t mean somebody else is better than you entirely, it means you’re better than them at some things and they’re better than you in other things, and finally we all compliment each other with the missing pieces somebody else offers. I never expect you to want a partner but I know you know the difference between wanting and needing. It’s not a bad thing to want someone to love you, and be there for you and treat you how you treat others but here does come the part of “you’re young” because you are. The time will come where you find someone, you just have to let go and not be afraid of doing so. Also don’t let your happiness falter because you’re missing a person, trust me nobody can make you happier than yourself.
It’s okay to cry, it’s also okay not to cry, we all have different coping mechanism. People won’t understand why you’re like that and it doesn’t matter, as long as it keeps you happy, or it keeps you alive. I used to think why am I living? It’s not like I’m important, nobody will notice I’m missing. But then twenty one pilots said “stay alive for whatever keeps you alive, it’ll be worth it in the end” and it is. And now I’m telling you this, and I might be talking shit or I might be way off from what you want me to tell you, or I might be exaggerating things, but I could be saving your life right now. And to the world that means a lot. Even a hello can make a difference.
You won’t change the world if you try to be like it. You are your own unique person, with likes and desires, you might fall down and scrape your knees, and you know, life is easier if you see it as a metaphor.
Think of the beach, you go to the beach and you have to walk through the hot sand and your feet are burning, then you get to the wet sand and your feet feel better, but all of a sudden the sand is getting in between your toes and it’s making you uncomfortable so you run towards the water and wash your feet away, then you step on the rocks and shells and you cut your heel, you swim instead of walk and the water is so cold that you feel like you’re freezing, so you keep swimming until you get where the water is warm but all of a sudden a wave tries to drown you, but you didn’t drown, and now you know that you have to jump every time a wave comes. You mastered it, the art of living and survival.
You will mess up, and in the end all that matters is you making yourself happy and finding yourself, the time will come, rushed things don’t come up being good (like fruits) and if it doesn’t happen then it didn’t, not everyone is here to find love, or being children to the world, but they’re here to make that tiny speck of light into huge stars within other people, because you as a whole make someone whole.